Food Addict

When we hear the word addiction, we think of alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, cigarettes…  We rarely think of food.  The truth is, food can be an addiction, a deadly one.  In fact, food is the only addiction that is blatantly thrown in our faces every second of the day.  Everywhere we turn we are being sold the addiction that is food.  Encouraged to indulge, practically given for free the foods that are worst for us, rewarded by convenience, comfort and cost.  Unlike other addictions, we actually need food to survive.  It’s not something that we can cut out of our lives.  We can’t just avoid grocery stores and restaurants and vow never to eat again.  We need to make a change.  To make that change, a lasting change, we need to get to the root of the addiction.

For me, when I think about food, it’s like remembering an old friend.  As stupid as this may sound, food has always been there for me.  No matter what I was feeling, I could always count on food to make me feel better.  If I was alone, depressed, happy, nervous, afraid, sick, angry, in love, sad, stressed, bored… I could always count on food to medicate my emotions, take away the edge of pain, reward myself for a job well done, distract myself from whatever was going on.  Unlike people, food never judged me, never criticized me, never made me feel unwanted, never rejected me.  It gave me exactly what I needed in that moment; a feeling of happiness, relief, and satisfaction.  It gave me an excuse to ignore the issues going on inside, and cover them up with pounds and pounds of weight.  I am currently 295 pounds, and it has been so hard to move away from that 300 pound mark.  It’s like my body knows that there are things I have to deal with as the weight comes off and it doesn’t want to make itself vulnerable and give up the “security” of the weight.  There are issues buried so deep inside that as they begin to poke their ugly little heads up, they’re things I had totally forgotten about, things I had pushed down; but they’re still there… and they still need to be dealt with.  Part of my problem is that I don’t really know how to deal with those things.  A friend of mine helped me realize that I am good at thinking it, acting like it, feeling it – but I have never truly vocalized it.  I will get there, I think most of it is fighting through that fear of being vulnerable, of being stripped down to who I really am.

When we get to the root of the addiction, that is when we can really take control of it altogether.  Food isn’t evil, but it isn’t a drug either.  We can diet and exercise all we want, but until we deal with what is on the inside… it will never match what is on the outside.

Goodbye 300′s

So it has been two months since I started my weight loss journey.  I am officially under 300 pounds now, weighing 298 pounds!  I have lost a total of 24 pounds and about 18 inches off my body!  I haven’t been under 300 pounds in about two years, so it feels good.  All of my size 28 clothes are now too big for me – it’s a good feeling to have to change an outfit that doesn’t fit because it’s too big, not because it’s too small.

When I look at the past two months put together, I have to say it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it was going to be.  Yes, it’s been hard – but it’s not been the impossible feat I had always led myself to believe it would be.  That’s one of the main excuses I had always told myself… “It’s too hard.”  When you’re 322 pounds and you need to lose over half your body weight, losing weight becomes this looming cloud of dread that has you defeated before you ever even try.  It only took me two months to lose the weight that took me two years to put on.  When you think about how quickly you can turn your life around and make a change for the better, it is all worth it.  The only thing is, you are the only person who can make that change and sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

There have been moments these past two months that have been very hard.  I have been going hiking with my dad, and let’s just say that me dragging my 300 pound body up the side of a mountain doesn’t make me feel sentimental, warm and cozy inside.  It’s freaking hard.  Some of the strength training exercises that I have to do make me think that after this, child-birth can’t be so bad.  One thing I am grateful for though, is that I actually feel alive again.  I can’t tell you how many months/years I was just existing, barely living.  Day after day, just going through the motions, wasting away watching hours and hours of TV, not even able to lift my head up and look at the world around me.  Even after losing only 24 pounds, I have so much more energy and desire to get out and do things.  It is so good to be able to feel again – even if it is pain.

After so much success, it’s not to say that there haven’t been bumps in the road and times where I have made the wrong decisions.  A couple of weeks ago after a long night with friends, I decided to stop by Jack in the Box simply because someone had mentioned it that night, and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.  So around midnight, I ordered a jr. bacon cheeseburger, two tacos, jalapeno poppers, and curly fries… of course, can’t go to Jack in the Box without eating curly fries.  This has been a life long struggle of mine.  Once a certain food pops into my mind, I can’t get rid of the craving until I give in and go get it.  Good thing for me this bad decision actually helped me and after 5-6 weeks of eating only healthy foods, the high calorie meal actually shocked my system and I dropped 3 pounds in the next two days (not that it was a good idea… bad idea.. bad).  Then there was Harry Potter Week (which was amazing by the way) where I ate popcorn pretty much every night.  I was still counting calories, but the sodium overload definitely slowed down my weight loss progress and made my ankles non-existent.  Bottom line is that this is life and you can’t expect never to eat anything “bad” ever again.  More important than always making good decisions is the decision you make after you make the bad one; to either let things go back to the way they were, or get back on track.

I said I would always be honest.  This isn’t a perfect journey, but it’s my journey, and I’m grateful for every second of it.

 

It’s Really Working…

Today was weigh in day and I have lost another 5.4 pounds!  I lost 7.4 pounds of fat and gained the difference in muscle and water.  PTI uses a Tanita Body Composition scale which can tell you exactly what your body, muscle, and water percentages are, which is great because I know that I really lost 7.4 pounds of fat in the last two weeks even though my total body weight loss is 5.4 pounds.  I also lost another 5 inches off my body!  I have lost a total of 15 pounds so far!

I have never lost more than 10 pounds IN MY LIFE.  It is unbelievable to me, not in the good “Oh my god, that is unbelievable!” way, but in the… “hmm, I can’t really believe that, there must be something wrong” way.  I am a perfectionist (oldest of 4), and not in the good type of way.  I am a perfectionist as in, if I think I am going to fail at something, or not be able to do it perfectly – then I would rather not do it.  Over the last couple weeks, even though I have been sticking to the 1200 calorie diet, exercising and losing weight, I find that I am constantly disappointed in myself.  It is almost impossible for me to me to be excited because I feel like, maybe it wasn’t good enough, or I am waiting to fail.  I went hiking on Saturday with my dad – almost a two hour hike.  I burned 700 calories, and still I felt disappointed that it was so hard for me and that I had to stop multiple times along the way just to catch my breath.  I am not sure how to change that yet, but I know it is something that I will have to deal with at some point.  There are a lot of things that I will have to deal with at some point and most of them have to do with the emotional and mental aspect of weight loss.  I hope to be as honest and open as possible in this blog, so as I deal with these things, I will share them.

This last Sunday for Father’s Day I went and spent the day with my parents and my grandparents doing what else…. eating!  Yay!  Now, every time I have tried to lose weight before I would always make excuses on holidays and say… “It’s a holiday, I can eat whatever I want.”  This time, I still stuck to my 1200 calorie diet and did not go over 1200 calories.  I made turkey enchiladas for only 288 calories a serving.  My mom made more “unhealthy” food, but I still calculated the calories and ate very small portions of what she made – probably about 1/4 cup serving of each.  For dessert I bought an angel food cake – I only ate half a serving, with fresh cut strawberries mixed with lemon juice and Truvia.  I have to say that I didn’t feel like I missed out at all, it was all good food and I was full.  It is all about eating the right portions and eating healthier versions of the food you love.  Another important thing is standing up for yourself and sticking to your decisions.  Don’t let anyone, especially family, deter you from that.  It is easy for them to say, “it’s a holiday,” or “today’s not about counting calories” or “it’s not going to taste as good if you make it healthy,” which were all comments said to me this past weekend.  In the end, I can’t let a holiday throw me off track, for me it IS about counting calories every day and it tasted just as good “healthy”, and everyone loved what I made.

One thing I do know, is that I have lost 15 pounds since I began – and that is 15 pounds I will never see again.  I will never see the number 322 again, and in just a couple weeks I hope to never see the number 300 again!

Here is a pic of my dad and I on our hike!  See you back next week – please subscribe to my blog (click on the Sign Me Up! button on the right hand side of this page) and you will be automatically notified when there is a new post!

 

 

I Have A Choice

I realized something this week; I have a choice.  I went out to eat at Red Lobster with my husband this past Friday.  I had the grilled tilapia (only 210 calories) with broccoli and a baked potato.  I planned to only eat half of the baked potato, I had looked up their nutritional guide online before we went so I would know what the best choices were.  Now, we all know that when you go to a restaurant, it is so easy to eat more than you normally would even after you’re full because there is so much food right in front of you and you keep mindlessly eating.  I found myself doing just that even after I had finished all my food and I was full.  I kept picking at that baked potato until a thought crossed my mind… It’s my choice to keep lifting this fork up to my mouth, and it’s my choice to stop eating.  I guess I have lived my whole life with so many bad habits and excuses that they have become my reality.

I have had so many excuses when it comes to losing weight.  I’m sure you can relate to some if not most of them – It’s too hard, I’m tired, I don’t have time, It’s not really worth it, I’m happy the way I am, I’m not that unhealthy, Eating healthy is too expensive, I deserve to eat what will make me feel better, I will do it later… on and on and on, those are just some main excuses.  Now that I look at all of those excuses, none of them are even true!  How long have I been lying to myself, and how long will I keep lying to myself?  Until I make the choice not too.

It’s hard but it’s NOT impossible, I may be tired – but my body actually feels BETTER after I exercise, If I have time to watch 2-3 hours of TV a day, then I DO have time to exercise, I am NOT happy the way I am, I AM unhealthy and my weight HAS negatively affected my life, eating healthy CAN be cheap, being healthy WILL make me feel better, and I will NEVER do it later if I don’t do it NOW.

I went to go see The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring at the theater this last Tuesday, they are playing all three movies in theaters this month!  I know maybe not everyone will understand, but this is like the most awesome thing ever!  Anyways, I love the part where Gandalf says to Frodo, “All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us.”

How much time have I wasted making excuses, putting things off, sitting on the couch, going through the routine of life?  How many years have I spent just going through the motions?  What’s important to realize, is that that is all in the past.  What is important now is what I decide to do, what I choose to do, from now on.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost the first 10 pounds.  Every single time I have started to try and lose weight, I have always dropped 10 pounds right away, and then it seems to stop after that.  That’s usually when I give up.  Like I mentioned in my last post, when I weighed in last Weds I had lost 10 pounds in two weeks.  As usual, my weight loss has slowed down this last week and I have only lost 2 pounds this week.  That’s still 2 more pounds than I ever lost before!  I am still sticking to my diet and exercising every day and I hope that I will be down at least 307-308 by next Weds when I weigh in again.  One thing I do know; I will never seen the number 322 on the scale again!

I am following a 1200 calorie diet, and I have been surprised at how much food you can actually eat for only 1200 calories!  Some main things that I eat to keep me full are veggies like broccoli and kale that are very filling, lean turkey breast, ground turkey, chicken, brown rice, edamame, almonds (I get the Emerald 100 calorie packs, the Cocoa Roast is the best – chocolate!), light string cheese, oatmeal, cereal, apples, Jello chocolate mousse, etc.  I love Trader Joe’s as well, they have a lot of cheap, low calorie, delicious food!  This week I got their Jalapeno Chicken Sausage – only 100 calories a serving, their frozen mashed potatoes, only 100 calories a serving, their frozen Baked Ziti, only 320 calories, a veggie pizza for only 250 calories!  The last few days I have actually been short on calories so I have had to find extra things to eat just to come up to 1200 calories for the day.  I have found that I am not hungry after working out, so that may be part of the reason – but it is important to eat enough calories even when losing weight for your body to continue to function healthily.

I just want to encourage you if you are reading this and you are like I was – putting it off to another day, another month, next year…  Start now.  You will never be ready to start, you have to make the choice to start.

This Is For Real

This is for real… that’s what I have to keep telling myself.  I’ve been down this road so many times.  Well, started down this road so many times.  I’m sure anyone reading who has every tried to lose weight can relate.  You know you need to do it, you get inspired, you start exercising and eating right… for a week.  Okay, maybe two weeks.  At least that’s what always happened with me.  It never worked out very well for me because I never made any lasting changes, I always went back to what I knew and what gave me very temporary satisfaction.

I have always been overweight, ever since I can remember.  I don’t know what it feels like to be thin, to be normal.  I weighed 176 pounds by the time I was 12.  I remember hitting the 200 pound mark when I was a freshman in highschool.  I was 230 pounds by the time I got to college, and 277 pounds by the time I got married in 2007.  Somewhere in holiday season of 2009, I hit the 300 pound mark and on May 26th, 2011 I reached my highest weight ever of 322 pounds.

Of course I always knew it had to stop at some point.  But when was I going to get to that point where enough was enough?  I guess when I realized that my life was never going to be what I wanted it to be unless I made the change.  I’ve spent so much of my life waiting for life to happen to me instead me fighting for the life I want.  I have settled.  ”I have the husband, the house, the job, the dogs, the car… that’s good enough.”  Since when is that good enough for me??  Yah, it’s great, but what about my dreams that haven’t happened, that I’ve just let go of because I didn’t believe they would ever happen?  To be honest, part of me has held back on losing weight because I have always known that once I do, I won’t have any more excuses.

I went to the Your Healthy Life Starts Now Expo here in Tucson, AZ in May where a few of the contestants from the Biggest Loser Season 10 were speaking.  Personal Training Institute in Tucson had their booth set up there and so after getting some info, I signed up for a trial session.  I decided that if I was going to do this right this time, I really needed some help and needed to be held accountable instead of trying to do it on my own. Of course I was a little a lot hesitant because I have never joined a gym or had a personal trainer.  Those are for skinny and athletic people.  I immediately felt more comfortable when I found out the owner used to weigh 300 and some pounds, one of their other trainers has lost 140 pounds and Jessica Delfs from the Biggest Loser season 10 is their nutritionist.  I am now on a 1200 calorie diet and I do 2 strength training sessions a week with PTI as well as 30-60 minutes of cardio a day.  I have lost 9.6 pounds in 2 weeks so far.  My first goal is to be under 300 pounds by the 4th of July.

I hope to use this blog as a way to track my journey and to also hopefully inspire and help some people out there who need a little nudge, or a big push, in the right direction.  I will be updating regularly with my progress so check back soon!  I know it will be hard, and I can guarantee you there will be bad days, but this. is. going. to. happen.